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w8eeo

Posts: 2,219 Member Since: 10/04/08

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Feb 28 09 10:16 PM

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Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question."
"Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying,I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then thePatrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

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hristo

Posts: 26 Member Since:08/29/09

#1 [url]

Sep 18 09 6:51 AM

A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmers yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt.

The old farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?" The hunter said, "Sure," and headed for the car.

While walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer had said OK, he said "No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going to teach that old cuss a lesson." With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule. As he exclaimed, "There, that will teach him!" a second shot rang out from the passenger side. And, one of his hunting buddies shouted, "I got the cow!"

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hristo

Posts: 26 Member Since:08/29/09

#2 [url]

Sep 18 09 6:51 AM

Two farmers met on the road one day and began talking.

"My wife is always into these new ideas she hears being advertised," one farmer told the other. "Now she wants to get 'pet insurance' for our cats. Can you believe that?"

"I've heard of that," the other farmer replies.

"Sounds like just another thing to waste money on," the first farmer added.

"How many cats do you have?" the second farmer asked.

"Two," the first replied. "Why?"

"Tell your wife I'll give you double coverage insurance on those two cats at no cost," the second farmer offered.

"Wow, that's great!" the first farmer replied, "But how can you provide that? Especially double coverage and at no cost."

"Simple," the second farmer explains. "If anything happens to your two cats, I've got four more out in the barn you can replace them with!"

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hristo

Posts: 26 Member Since:08/29/09

#3 [url]

Sep 18 09 6:51 AM

A farm boy accidentally overturned a wagonload of corn. A farmer, who lived nearby, heard the noise and yelled to the boy, "Hey, Willis, forget your troubles and come in for a visit. I'll help you pick the wagon up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but Pa wouldn't like me to."

"Aw, come on, boy," the farmer insisted.

"Well, OK" the boy finally agreed, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish," the neighbor said with a smile; "by the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon," replied the boy.

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hristo

Posts: 26 Member Since:08/29/09

#4 [url]

Sep 18 09 6:51 AM

Once upon a time, there was a farmer in the central region of China. He didn't have a lot of money and, instead of a tractor, he used an old horse to plow his field.

One afternoon, while working in the field, the horse dropped dead. Everyone in the village said, Oh, what a horrible thing to happen. The farmer said simply, We'll see. He was so at peace and so calm, that everyone in the village got together and, admiring his attitude, gave him a new horse as a gift.

Everyone's reaction now was, What a lucky man. And the farmer said, We'll see.

A couple days later, the new horse jumped a fence and ran away. Everyone in the village shook their heads and said, What a poor fellow!

The farmer smiled and said, We'll see.

Eventually, the horse found his way home, and everyone again said, What a fortunate man.

The farmer said, We'll see.

Later in the year, the farmer's young boy went out riding on the horse and fell and broke his leg. Everyone in the village said, What a shame for the poor boy.

The farmer said, We'll see.

Two days later, the army came into the village to draft new recruits. When they saw that the farmer's son had a broken leg, they decided not to recruit him.

Everyone said, What a fortunate young man.

The farmer smiled again - and said We'll see.

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hristo

Posts: 26 Member Since:08/29/09

#5 [url]

Sep 18 09 6:52 AM

A city slicker was driving through the country when he spotted a horse standing in a field. He was quite taken with the animal and so pulled over to ask the farmer if it was for sale.

"Afraid not," said the farmer.

"I'll give you a thousand bucks!" said the city fella.

"I can't sell you that horse. He don't look too good," replied the farmer.

"I know horses, and he looks fine. I'll give you two thousand!"

"Well, all right, if you want him so bad."

The next day, the man returned the horse, screaming that he had been gypped. "You sold me a blind horse!"

"Well," said the farmer, "I told you he didn't look too good."

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hristo

Posts: 26 Member Since:08/29/09

#6 [url]

Sep 18 09 6:52 AM

A farmer wrote to a giant mail order company and asked the price of their toilet paper.

The company wrote back and told him to look on page #287.

He wrote another letter back, "If I had your catalog, I wouldn't need your toilet paper."

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hristo

Posts: 26 Member Since:08/29/09

#7 [url]

Sep 18 09 6:52 AM

A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.

"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."

The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?"

"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents."

"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."

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hristo

Posts: 26 Member Since:08/29/09

#8 [url]

Sep 18 09 6:52 AM

A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders.

He says, "What on earth is that all about?"

The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop two months ago and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm."

"Okay, but that was two months ago. Why does he still wear them?"

The farmer replied, "There ain't nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other."

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ash1

Posts: 20 Member Since:04/14/10

#9 [url]

Apr 15 10 5:52 PM

A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He bought a nice, used chicken farm and moved in. As it turned out, his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn’t easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I’ll give you 100 chickens." The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the neighbor dropped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, "Not too well. All 100 chickens died." The neighbor said, "Oh, I can’t believe that. I’ve never had any trouble with my chickens. I’ll give you 100 more." Another two weeks went by and the neighbor stopped by again. The new farmer said, "You’re not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too." Astounded, the neighbor asked, "What went wrong?" The new farmer said, "Well, I’m not sure whether I’m planting them too deep or too close together."

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w8eeo

Posts: 2,219 Member Since:10/04/08

#10 [url]

Jan 18 11 1:39 AM

A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He bought a nice, used chicken farm and moved in. As it turned out, his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn’t easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I’ll give you 100 chickens." The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the neighbor dropped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, "Not too well. All 100 chickens died." The neighbor said, "Oh, I can’t believe that. I’ve never had any trouble with my chickens. I’ll give you 100 more." Another two weeks went by and the neighbor stopped by again. The new farmer said, "You’re not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too." Astounded, the neighbor asked, "What went wrong?" The new farmer said, "Well, I’m not sure whether I’m planting them too deep or too close together."

-ash1

Bemused by his lack of success, the farmer sends off a report of what he has done to the local extension office, asking for advice. Three weeks later, the reply comes back, saying simply, "Please send soil sample."

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rockpervert

Posts: 3 Member Since:01/09/10

#11 [url]

Feb 15 11 3:26 PM

lol There's some real good ones on here... :-D

I'm wracking my brain trying to remember some of the ones I know, but seem to be having a bit of a "senior moment" atm. Will post when my memory returns.

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enigma685

Posts: 1,325 Member Since:12/07/08

#12 [url]

Apr 6 11 6:13 PM

An old farmer had owned a large farm for many years. He had a huge man-made pond out back with a beautiful picnic area, For years it was the perfect place to unwind or hold a family get together. As the farmer grew older, his "Oasis" was used less and less. It eventually became the local swimming hole and while his neighbors occasionally took advantage of the pond, he rarely made an appearance.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond. He hadn't been there in a while and felt the urge to pay a visit to check on things. As he neared the pond, he heard loud playful voices giggling and laughing. As he came closer he was astonished to see that a bunch of young women had decided to skinny dip in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I'm here to feed the alligator."

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LeforaGuest

Posts: 0 Member Since:03/26/17

#13 [url]

Apr 6 11 6:18 PM

A man was driving along a rural road when he realized he had to make a phone call. He had forgotten his cell phone was miles from a pay phone so he decided to stop in at the next farmhouse he found. As he was approaching a house he noticed a three-legged chicken racing along the road. He followed the chicken and clocked it at 45 miles per hour. When the man got to the farmhouse he asked the farmer about the chicken. The farmer replied, "W'all, when I was at the uneeversitee I studied geenetics. 'Round these parts we love chicken and we're all partial to the drumstick, so I thought I'd see if I could make a three-legged chicken. So, here 'tis." The man was quite impressed. He asked, "How does it taste?" The farmer replied, "Don't know. Ain't none of us been able to catch one yet."

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