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obieonekenobi

Posts: 56 Member Since: 08/29/09

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Sep 12 09 7:39 PM

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An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you`re an engineer -- you`re in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they`ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how`s it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We`ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there`s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You`ve got an engineer? That`s a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I`m keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I`ll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

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obieonekenobi

Posts: 56 Member Since:08/29/09

#1 [url]

Sep 12 09 7:40 PM

Engineers Terminologies

  • A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED
    We are still pissing in the wind.
  • EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM
    We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
  • CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION
    We know who to blame.
  • MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH
    It works OK, but looks very hitech.
  • CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED
    We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
  • PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE
    The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch
  • TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING
    We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
  • THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED
    The only person who understood the thing quit.
  • IT IS IN THE PROCESS
    It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
  • WE WILL LOOK INTO IT
    Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
  • PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL
    Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
  • GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING
    We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.
  • GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION
    I can't wait to hear this bull!
  • SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS
    Come into my office, I'm lonely.
  • ALL NEW
    Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
  • RUGGED
    Too damn heavy to lift!
  • LIGHTWEIGHT
    Lighter than RUGGED.
  • YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
    One finally worked.
  • ENERGY SAVING
    Achieved when the power switch is off.
  • LOW MAINTENANCE
    Impossible to fix if broken

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obieonekenobi

Posts: 56 Member Since:08/29/09

#2 [url]

Sep 12 09 7:42 PM

An engineer

There are a bunch of work men on a construction site. A normal construction worker, an engineer, a scientist, and a union worker. They all happen to be on their brake, when the subject comes up about their dogs, and how smart they are. The construction guy tells everyone how smart his dog is and wants to show everyone, so he calls him "T-Bone! get over here. Do your stuff T-bone" T-Bone runs over to the work kitchen and prepares a perfect dozen of fresh cookies!

The guys were pretty amazed with T-Bone. The second guy, the engineer, wants to show off what his dog has, so he calls him over. "T-Square get over here!" T-Square grabs a piece of paper and a pencil, and draws a circle, triangle, and a square. "wow," said the guys not bad..... not bad. The scientist having his nose up in the air says to all of them, "that was nothing!" "Watch this! Calculus!!! Do your stuff" Calculus runs into the work kitchen and pores 3 glasses of milk that are exactly 50 ml for each one! Well the guys were very amazed with the scientist and pretty much gave him the credit for having the smartest dog. A few minutes go by and they forgot all about the union worker. What can your dog do?? huh who me he said. Coffee Break get in here, coffee break, goes to the kitchen eats the cookies, drinks the milk, shits on the paper, screws all 3 dogs, complains about back pain while doing so, files for pention, and goes home on sick leave.

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hamrelax

Posts: 35 Member Since:08/29/09

#3 [url]

Sep 18 09 6:07 PM

At a recent computer software engineering course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:
"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?"
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

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hamrelax

Posts: 35 Member Since:08/29/09

#4 [url]

Sep 18 09 6:07 PM

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel.
The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trash can from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.
Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc. extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed.
Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, "Ah, a solution exists!" and then goes back to bed.

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hamrelax

Posts: 35 Member Since:08/29/09

#5 [url]

Sep 18 09 6:08 PM

Once upon a time there lived three men: a doctor, a chemist, and an engineer. For some reason all three offended the king and were sentenced to die on the same day.
The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was led up to the guillotine.
As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine, the executioner asked, "Head up or head down?"
"Head up," said the doctor.
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
"No blindfold."
So the executioner raised the axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped barely an inch above the doctor's neck. Well, the law stated that if an execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the doctor was set free.
Then the chemist was led up to the guillotine.
"Head up or head down?" said the executioner.
"Head up."
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
"No blindfold."
So the executioner raised his axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped an inch above the chemist's neck. Well, the law stated that if the execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the chemist was set free.
Finally the engineer was led up to the guillotine.
"Head up or head down?"
"Head up."
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
"No blindfold."
So the executioner raised his axe, but before he could cut the rope, the engineer yelled out:
"WAIT! I see what the problem is!".

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hamrelax

Posts: 35 Member Since:08/29/09

#6 [url]

Sep 18 09 6:08 PM

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says, "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West longitude."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below says, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

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hamrelax

Posts: 35 Member Since:08/29/09

#7 [url]

Sep 18 09 6:09 PM

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly
slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

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hamrelax

Posts: 35 Member Since:08/29/09

#8 [url]

Sep 18 09 6:09 PM

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, “I'm
here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.”
“That's quite a coincidence,” said the engineer. “I'm here because my house and
all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.”
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. “How do you start a flood?”" he asked.

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hamrelax

Posts: 35 Member Since:08/29/09

#9 [url]

Sep 18 09 6:09 PM

Good choice
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

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america1

Posts: 40 Member Since:08/29/09

#10 [url]

Sep 18 09 6:10 PM

Overcapacity
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

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america1

Posts: 40 Member Since:08/29/09

#11 [url]

Sep 18 09 6:10 PM

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons,
Civil Engineers build targets.

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america1

Posts: 40 Member Since:08/29/09

#12 [url]

Sep 18 09 6:11 PM

Such a waste
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

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america1

Posts: 40 Member Since:08/29/09

#13 [url]

Sep 18 09 6:11 PM

Fix it
Normal people .... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

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america1

Posts: 40 Member Since:08/29/09

#14 [url]

Sep 18 09 6:11 PM

Cool
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called up to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.

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america1

Posts: 40 Member Since:08/29/09

#15 [url]

Sep 18 09 6:11 PM

Lab coat
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.

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enigma685

Posts: 1,325 Member Since:12/07/08

#16 [url]

Sep 25 09 12:06 AM

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."

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lala1

Posts: 20 Member Since:04/17/10

#17 [url]

Apr 17 10 4:55 PM

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularlyslow group of golfers.The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.""Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment.The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

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w8eeo

Posts: 2,220 Member Since:10/04/08

#18 [url]

Apr 25 10 11:03 PM

As you know, in this time of depressed economy and the search for ways to do more with less, the auto makers have really improved the gas mileage on some of the later models. I don't like most of the compact models, especially with my long legs, because the ride is less than comfortable.
What you are looking at below is the horse breeders answer to the high cost of oats and hay. I really don't think I would enjoy riding one of these things either. What do you think?


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