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bplanner

Posts: 56 Member Since:08/29/09

#21 [url]

Sep 17 09 9:05 AM

There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control.
Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff.
They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.
The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution."
The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."
The programmer said "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."

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bplanner

Posts: 56 Member Since:08/29/09

#22 [url]

Sep 17 09 9:06 AM

Top 10 signs Technology Has Taken Over Your Life

10. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house --only computers with laser printers.

9. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

8. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

7. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

6. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

5. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading JohnGrisham novels.

4. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.

3. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write is letterhead.

2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

1. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.


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bplanner

Posts: 56 Member Since:08/29/09

#23 [url]

Sep 17 09 9:08 AM

The answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?":

Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per game.
With $40 million in endorsements, he made $178,100 a day, working or not.
If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $9.50, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.
If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
He'd make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura SLX (about $90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
He'd probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed around $30,000 during that round.
Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.
If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
He'd make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.
He'd make about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'd pull in about $5600.
In his last year, he made more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.


... However...
... If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.


Game over. Nerd wins.

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lrfq

Posts: 25 Member Since:10/10/09

#24 [url]

Oct 31 09 9:15 AM

True Computer Tech Support Calls

1) Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars. Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

2) Tech Support: 'Ok, in the bottom left of the screen, can you see the ' OK' button displayed?' 
Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?' 

3) Advisor: You have Spyware on your machine which is causing the problem.
Customer: Spyware? Can they see me getting dressed through the monitor?

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awed12

Posts: 26 Member Since:10/07/09

#25 [url]

Oct 31 09 9:18 AM

Virus Warning

Even the most advanced ant-virus programs from McAfee cannot take care of this bug. Norton is no help either.

Virus Symptoms:
Tricks you into sending blank emails.
Results in you sending an email to the wrong person.
Causes you to send the email back to the person who sent it to you.
Makes you forget to affix the attachment.
Triggers your pressing 'SEND' before you've finished.
Forces you to hit 'DELETE' instead of 'SEND.'
Pressurizes you into clicking 'SEND' when you should click 'DELETE.'
Causes you to send the same email twice.  
Causes you to send the same email twice.  
This virus only affects those who were born before 1958. 

Oh, I nearly forgot, this virus is called the: 'C-NILE VIRUS.'

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scorpion

Posts: 20 Member Since:04/14/10

#26 [url]

Apr 14 10 4:16 PM

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee..David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.Nike virus: Just Does It!Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.

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tom

Posts: 20 Member Since:04/14/10

#27 [url]

Apr 14 10 5:49 PM

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero" The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

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lala1

Posts: 20 Member Since:04/17/10

#29 [url]

Apr 17 10 4:55 PM


ID10T 


Young Susie was having trouble with her computer so she called Wes, the computer guy, over to her desk. Wes clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.As he was walking away Susie called after him, "So, what was wrong?" And he replied, "It was an 'ID ten T' error." A puzzled expression ran over Susie's face. " 'An ID ten T' error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?" He gave her a grin. "Haven't you ever seen an 'ID ten T' error before?" Susie replied, "No." "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." . . . . . . . I D 1 0 T 

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