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obieonekenobi

Posts: 56 Member Since: 08/29/09

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Sep 16 09 4:25 PM

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There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to a doctor to see what could be done to relieve the problem. The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was.

The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor put him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still ached.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. "Gee, what did you do, Doc?" he asked.

The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots."

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obieonekenobi

Posts: 56 Member Since:08/29/09

#1 [url]

Sep 16 09 4:29 PM

This retired O.B.G.Y.N doctor decides he is bored and wants to find something to do with his spare time. He always had a motorcycle and loves riding them, but never could work on them. He decided to go to school to learn to be a master motorcycle mechanic.

After a couple of years of hard studying and learning about bikes, the last day of school was a final exam. The final exam was a 2 part test. Part 1 was diagnostics of a badly running motorcycle engine. Part 2 everyone in the class had to compleatly tear down the bikes engine, repair it and put it back together running perfect.

After several hours of working, the teacher tells everyone to stop what they are doing. He then judges everyone's work.

He grades everyone. He tells everyone their scores. The grades are 2 part. 50 points for diagnosis. 50 points for installation. He gives 1 person an 80, another person a 75, another a 68. Finally he gets to the doc's bike, cranks it up, it runs perfect. He gives the doc a 150.

Confused, he asked the teacher why he gave him a 150. The teacher explains to him, 50 points for proper diagnosis, 50 points for repairing it properly. The doc asks what about the other 50 points. The teacher then replies, "In all my life, I've never, ever, ever seen anyone completely tear down, repair and rebuild a motorcycle enging going through the exhaust pipes!".

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LeforaGuest

Posts: 0 Member Since:05/27/17

#2 [url]

Sep 18 09 5:42 PM

Q: Why did the nurse have a long pole and two rubber gloves?
A: Her way of not getting pregnant.

Q: Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
A: If you aim it well enough.

Receptionist: 'Dr. Wynazonski is waiting for you.'
Patient: 'Which doctor?'
Receptionist: 'Oh, no, he's fully qualified.'

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bplanner

Posts: 56 Member Since:08/29/09

#3 [url]

Sep 18 09 5:43 PM

Student doctor: 'Please sir, there's some writing on this patient's foot.'
Famous surgeon: 'Ah, yes! That's a footnote.'

Patient: 'Doctor, how can I live to be a hundred?'
Doctor: 'Well, I suggest you give up eating rich food and going out with women.'
Patient: 'And then will I live to be a hundred?'
Doctor: 'No - but it will seem like it.'


Patient: 'Doctor, my hair keeps falling out. Have you got anything to keep it in?'
Doctor: 'What about a cardboard box?'

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bplanner

Posts: 56 Member Since:08/29/09

#4 [url]

Sep 18 09 5:44 PM

Patient: 'Doctor, have you got anything for my liver?'
Doctor: 'What about some onions?'



Patient: 'Doctor, sorry to trouble you again, but what can you give me for flat feet?'
Doctor: 'What about a bicycle pump?'



Receptionist: 'The doctor is so funny he'll soon have you in stitches.'
Patient: 'I hope not - I only came in for a check up.'

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bplanner

Posts: 56 Member Since:08/29/09

#5 [url]

Sep 18 09 5:46 PM

Worried woman: 'Doctor, I think I'm pregnant.'
Doctor: 'But I gave you the Pill.'

Worried woman: 'Yes, I know. But it keeps falling out.'


'Doctor, doctor! I've swallowed a spoon.'

'Sit down and don't stir.'


'Doctor, doctor! I'm terribly worried. I keep seeing pink striped crocodiles every time I try to get to sleep.'
'Have you seen a psychiatrist?'

'No - only pink striped crocodiles.'


Patient: 'And if I take these little green pills exactly as you suggested, will I get better?'
Doctor: 'Well, let's put it this way - none of my patients has ever come back for more of those pills.'

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bplanner

Posts: 56 Member Since:08/29/09

#6 [url]

Sep 18 09 5:46 PM

Patient: 'I've got a terrible pain in my right arm, doctor.'
Doctor: 'Don't worry, it's just old age.'
Patient: 'But in that case, why doesn't my left arm hurt, too - I've had it just as long?'



The senior civil servant went to the doctor and complained of being unable to sleep.
Doctor: 'Oh! Don't you sleep at night?'
Civil servant: 'Yes, I sleep very well at night. And I sleep quite soundly most of the mornings, too - but I find it's very difficult to sleep in the afternoons as well.'



Patient: 'And when my right arm is quite better, will I be able to play the trumpet?'
Doctor: 'Most certainly - you should be able to play it with ease.
Patient: 'That's wonderful - I could never play it before.'

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bplanner

Posts: 56 Member Since:08/29/09

#7 [url]

Sep 18 09 5:47 PM

Grandma was nearly ninety years of age when she won 1,000,000 pounds on the football pools. Her family were extremely worried about her heart and feared that news of her large win would come as too much of a shock for her. 'Think we had better call in the doctor to tell her the news,' suggested the eldest son.
The doctor soon arrived and the situation was explained to him.
'Now, you don't have to worry about anything,' said the doctor. 'I am fully trained in such delicate matters and I feel sure I can break this news to her gently. I assure you, there is absolutely no need for you to fear for her health. Everything will be quite safe if left to me.'
The doctor went in to see the old lady and gradually brought the conversation around to football pools.
'Tell me,' said the doctor, 'what would you do if you had a large win on the pools - say one million pounds?'
'Why,' replied the old lady, 'I'd give half of it to you, of course.'
The doctor fell down dead with shock.

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bplanner

Posts: 56 Member Since:08/29/09

#8 [url]

Sep 18 09 5:47 PM

The doctor had just finished examining the very attractive young girl. Doctor: 'Have you been going out with men, Miss Jones?'
Miss Jones: 'Oh. no, doctor, never!'
Doctor: 'Are you quite sure? Bearing in mind that I've now examined the sample you sent, do you still say you've never had anything to do with men?'
Miss Jones: 'Quite sure, doctor. Can I go now?'
Doctor: 'No.'
Miss Jones: 'But why not?'
Doctor: 'Because, Miss Jones, I'm awaiting the arrival of the Three Wise Men.'

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bplanner

Posts: 56 Member Since:08/29/09

#9 [url]

Sep 18 09 5:47 PM

  • I tried to follow my doctor's advice and give up smoking cigarettes and try chewing gum instead - but the matches kept getting stuck and the gum wouldn't light.
  • Last week my friend, Mabel, was feeling terribly ill so her husband 'phoned the doctor's surgery.
    'I'm afraid the doctor is busy until 10am Thursday,' said the receptionist.
    'But that's three days away! My wife is terribly ill,' pleaded Mabel's husband. 'What if she's dead by then?'
    'Well,' replied the receptionist, you can always 'phone and cancel the appointment.'
  • 'Doctor, doctor! How can I get this ugly mole off my face?'
    'Get your dog to chase it back into its hole.'
  • Before I went off to India for my summer holidays I asked my doctor how I could avoid getting a disease from biting insects. He just told me not to bite any.
  • Hospital consultant: 'The woman in that bed is the love of my life.'
    Matron: 'Then why haven't you married her?'
    Hospital consultant: 'I can't afford to - she's a private patient.'
  • When I asked my doctor to give me something to sharpen my appetite he just gave me a razor blade.
  • When I told the doctor's receptionist that I kept thinking I was a billiard ball she told me to get the end of the cue.
  • Yesterday I was in the doctor's waiting room and I heard a ninety-six-year-old man pleading with the doctor for a lower sex drive.
    'Surely you're imagining things,' said the doctor. 'You're ninety-six years old. Isn't all the feeling for sex just in your head?'
    'Yes,' replied the elderly man, 'that's why I want you to lower my sex drive to the place where it might do more good.'
  • Patient: 'Doctor, doctor! I've just swallowed a whole sheep.'
    Doctor: 'How do you feel?'
    Patient: 'Quite baa-d.'
  • This morning I went to the doctor to see if he had a cure for my wife's sinus trouble. Every time she drags me out shopping she keeps telling me 'sign us' for this, 'sign us' for that.

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p34u

Posts: 15 Member Since:09/29/09

#10 [url]

Oct 20 09 11:42 AM

Top Ten Inspirational Sayings We'd Like to See at the Nurse's Station


10. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them.


9. If at first you don't succeed...try management.


8. TEAMWORK means never having to take all the blame yourself.


7. Hang in there....retirement is only 35 years away!


6. Go the extra mile...it makes your supervisor look incompetent.


5. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.


4. Administration...we waste time so you don't have to.


3. The beatings will continue until morale improves.


2. A person who smiles in the face of adversity, probably has a scapegoat.


1. Succeed in spite of Administration.

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p34u

Posts: 15 Member Since:09/29/09

#11 [url]

Oct 20 09 11:43 AM

Top Ten Things You Need To Know To Be A Nurse
10. If it's wet make it dry.

9. If it's dry make it wet.



8. Always ask for on-call pay before agreeing to overtime.


7. Never tell management what you are really thinking.


6. Never finish report with, "You have an easy assignment".


5. Never say. "This looks like a easy assignment".


4. Don't expect nurses aids to do their job.


3. Don't expect doctors to believe any thing you tell them.


2. If you don't have enough time to do everything, take about 30 minutes to complain about it.


1. If it moves, rattles, shakes, falls down, or won't stay in place: tape it.

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p34u

Posts: 15 Member Since:09/29/09

#12 [url]

Oct 20 09 11:44 AM

Top 10 Reasons to Become a Nurse


10. Pays better than McDonald's (though the hours aren't as good.)

9. Fashionable shoes and sexy uniforms.



8. Needles: 'tis better to give than to receive.


7. Confidence in reassuring patients that all bleeding stops ... eventually.


6. Opportunity to expose yourself to rare, exotic, and exciting new diseases.


5. Interesting aromas.


4. Courteous and infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly clear handwriting.

3. Admit it, it's a lot easier than med school.



2. Celebration of holidays with all your friends ... at work.


1. Comfort in the knowledge that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them.

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p34u

Posts: 15 Member Since:09/29/09

#13 [url]

Oct 20 09 11:44 AM

You know you're a nurse if...
You believe every patient needs TLC: Thorazine, Lorazepam and Compazine.
You would like to meet the inventor of the call light in a dark alley one night.
You believe not all patients are annoying ... some are unconscious.
Your sense of humor seems to get more "warped" each year.
You know the phone numbers of every late night food delivery place in town by heart.
You can only tell time with a 24 hour clock.
Almost everything can seem humorous ... eventually.
When asked, "What color is the patient's diarrhea?", you show them your shoes.
Every time you walk, you make a rattling noise because of all the scissors and clamps in your pockets.
You can tell the pharmacist more about the medicines he is dispensing than he can.
You carry "spare" meds in your pocket rather than wait for pharmacy to deliver.
You refuse to watch ER because it's too much like the real thing and triggers "flash backs."
You check the caller ID when the phone rings on your day off to see if someone from the hospital is trying to call to ask you to work.
You've been telling stories in a restaurant and had someone at another table throw up.
You notice that you use more four letter words now than before you became a nurse.
Every time someone asks you for a pen, you can find at least three of them on you.
You can intubate your friends at parties.
You don't get excited about blood loss ... unless it's your own.
You live by the motto, "To be right is only half the battle, to convince the physician is more difficult."
You've basted your Thanksgiving turkey with a Toomey syringe.
You've told a confused patient your name was that of your coworker and to HOLLER if they need help.
Eating microwave popcorn out a clean bedpan is perfectly natural.
Your bladder can expand to the same size as a Winnebago's water tank.
When checking the level of orientation of a patient, you aren't sure of the answer.
You find yourself checking out other customer's arm veins in grocery waiting lines.
You can sleep soundly at the hospital cafeteria table during dinner break, sitting up and not be embarrassed when you wake up.
You avoid unhealthy looking shoppers in the mall for fear that they'll drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.
You've sworn you're going to have "NO CODE" tattooed on your chest.

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tom

Posts: 20 Member Since:04/14/10

#14 [url]

Apr 14 10 5:52 PM

THE DEAF WIFE

A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife's going deaf."

The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."

The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her.

Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!"

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