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alex29

Posts: 20 Member Since: 09/29/09

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Oct 1 09 2:37 PM

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Taking the final exam


Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ________."

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now."

He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."

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alex29

Posts: 20 Member Since:09/29/09

#1 [url]

Oct 1 09 2:42 PM

Sports entrance exam

           UNIVERSITY ENTRANCE EXAM
SEC FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION
(Time Limit: 3 Weeks)

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient
Babylonian Empire with particular
reference to architecture, literature,
law and social conditions

-OR-

give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope? (please check
only one answer)
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is
0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is
on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given?
(approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north
called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners

9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton

10. Six kings of England have been called
George, the last one being George the
Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's
(b) a 7-11
(c) Canada
(d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory
of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National
Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chatelier's Principle of
Dynamic Equilibrium

-OR-

spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story
building located?

17. Which part of America produces the
most oranges?
(a) New York
(b) Florida
(c) Canada
(d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math.
If you have three apples how many apples
do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.)
stand for?

*You must answer three or more questions
correctly to qualify*

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alex29

Posts: 20 Member Since:09/29/09

#2 [url]

Oct 1 09 2:45 PM

Olympic Village

Three guys were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."
Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."
The first guy gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"
The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up to the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."
The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."
They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan, because he's a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories.
Just then he walks proudly up to the table with a roll of barbed wire under his arm and states: "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."

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alex29

Posts: 20 Member Since:09/29/09

#3 [url]

Oct 1 09 2:45 PM

Olympic Village

Three guys were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."
Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."
The first guy gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"
The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up to the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."
The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."
They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan, because he's a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories.
Just then he walks proudly up to the table with a roll of barbed wire under his arm and states: "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."

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alex29

Posts: 20 Member Since:09/29/09

#4 [url]

Oct 1 09 2:46 PM

Olympic Village

Three guys were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."
Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."
The first guy gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"
The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up to the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."
The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."
They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan, because he's a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories.
Just then he walks proudly up to the table with a roll of barbed wire under his arm and states: "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."

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alex29

Posts: 20 Member Since:09/29/09

#5 [url]

Oct 1 09 2:47 PM

Olympic Village

Three guys were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."
Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."
The first guy gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"
The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up to the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."
The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."
They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan, because he's a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories.
Just then he walks proudly up to the table with a roll of barbed wire under his arm and states: "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."

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hapee2

Posts: 12 Member Since:09/29/09

#6 [url]

Oct 1 09 2:52 PM

        Black belt degrees 

Requirements for 11th Degree Black Belt

Master of Judo

Well before testing for this rank any experienced Judo teacher should have already learned these basic techniques:

Escape from Dojo

The quick exit to avoid clean up and helping with the mats.

Sleeper Stance

Standing at the corner of the dojo pretending to be observing the students as they sweat with exhaustion.

Sigh of Wisdom

Sudden, forceful exhalation when a beginning student unexpectedly survives a dangerous body slam without injury.

Crossing Fingers

A hopeful posture used when uke has been choked unconscious.

Gift of Instruction

The act of taking credit whenever a student wins a tournament or performs a technique correctly.

Seeing Without Seeing

The dazed look of amazement given to the student who asks a stupid question.

Kuchi Waza (mouth technique)

Using an hour of class time to answer the stupid question while students sit on their knees in seiza.

Mugger's Defense

Offering to lighten the student's wallet to reduce the risk of confrontation.

Sensei's Downfall

Failing to ask for enough money to keep the dojo open. 


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hapee2

Posts: 12 Member Since:09/29/09

#7 [url]

Oct 1 09 2:53 PM

Further requirements:

Must be able to walk on water (while it is in liquid form).

Must be able to disable a man using only a Kleenex tissue as a weapon.

Must be able to make up meaningless Zen koans on the spot.

Must be able to catch a fly with chopsticks.

Must be able to defeat multiple masked ninja movie warriors after they disclose their evil plans to you and leave you to die in an easily escapable situation.

Must be able to voice over a Godzilla movie properly (i.e. coordination between the movement of the lips and the voice).

Must be able to take a bullet (not in the chest of course but maybe in the foot or something).

Must be able to make your own nuclear device with a piece of bubble gum, a pencil, some coconuts, and an alarm clock.

Must be able to change into a judogi in a phone booth at any given moment.

Must be able to sing Karaoke.

Must be able to use nature to your advantage (e.g. sick a dog on the enemy, throw stones at him, climb a tree and hide...)

Must be able to fight blindfolded and win (against blind competitors of course).

Must have completed a course in "Basic Samurai Sushi".

Must be able to choreograph street fights for Jackie Chan movies.

Must be able to use an opponent's skill as a reason for defeat.

Must be able to keep all bleeding internal.

Must be able to trim an entire forest into a bonsai garden in 25 minutes or less.

Note:

Laughing at any time will disqualify the potential 11th dan. If a member of the Senior Board of Examiners makes a comment and then waits expectantly, it may be an indication that he has just made a joke. A half-smile may be tried at this time, but in no other instance. 

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skyp

Posts: 13 Member Since:09/29/09

#8 [url]

Oct 1 09 2:56 PM

New Bowling Rules Supplemental Rules for Bowling

If you holler "overs!" before the ball passes the arrows, you get to throw the ball over, unless of course, you get a strike. In which case, you can renege on the "overs".

When your team is about 10 marks down in the 8th or 9th frame, you can invoke the rule "First Team Through Bowling Wins the Game", and your team still has a chance.

After a member of the opposing team bowls 4 strikes in a row, he/she must bowl the next 4 frames blindfolded. If he/she continues to strike, his/her shoelaces will be tied together for 2 frames.

When you leave the 10-pin and you know you can't make the spare, but another member of your team can, invoke the "Designated Bowler" rule.

After you have 4 splits in one game, you may say "Kings X" and take those 4 frames over. However, if you split on the 2nd time around, you accept it. After all, "Fair is Fair".

If your ball goes in the gutter and jumps back onto the lane, knocking dow pins, by golly, you get them! That's much harder than to knock them down the conventional way. Good bowling should be recognized.

A ball should be declared dead when you bowl 3 games without a strike. It shall be the owners privilege to decide on the disposition of said dead ball - Burial at Sea, Dropped from an airplane over a live volcano, or a simple burial in the city dump. For a small fee, a league officer can be bribed to deliver a short eulogy.

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skyp

Posts: 13 Member Since:09/29/09

#9 [url]

Oct 1 09 2:57 PM

First Football Game

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she like the game.
'I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents,' she said.
'What do you mean?' he asked.
'Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'

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p34u

Posts: 15 Member Since:09/29/09

#10 [url]

Oct 6 09 11:47 AM

Indian Cricket Team

I have nothing agianst the Indian cricket team, and at the moment they are not playing too bad. I found these jokes on page posted by an Indian supporter!


One Liners 

What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?
The entire Indian Innings.

Where do Indian batsmen perform the best?
In Advertisements.

When would Agarkar have 100 runs against his name?
When he is bowling.

What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Indian batsmen?
The walk back to the pavilion.

How do you increase the chances of the Indian batsmen playing out the entire 50 overs?
Try giving them two innings to begin with, then try three and so on.

What is the Indian version of a hat-trick?
3 runs in 3 balls

What is the height of optimism ?
Sehwag coming out to bat applying sunscreen on his face.


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p34u

Posts: 15 Member Since:09/29/09

#11 [url]

Oct 6 09 11:50 AM

Phone Call for Sehwag:


Indian Team Manager(over Phone) : "Hello"


Sehwag's Wife :"Can I talk to Sehwag, this is his wife."


Indian Team Manager: "Sorry, he is just gone out to bat"


Sehwag's Wife:"No Problem Manager, I will Hold on"

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p34u

Posts: 15 Member Since:09/29/09

#12 [url]

Oct 6 09 11:52 AM

SEHWAG's SON: Mummy mummy  !! Look! Daddy is hitting six after six

SEHWAG's WIFE: Come on, son….that must be an advertisement

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p34u

Posts: 15 Member Since:09/29/09

#13 [url]

Oct 6 09 11:54 AM

  • DIVORCE COURT SCENE :
  • The Judge (J.) asks the little girl (LG):
  • Now that your parents are getting divorced do you want to live with your mommy?

  • LG - No, my mommy beats me.

  • J. - Well then, I guess you want to live with your daddy.

  • LG - No, my daddy beats me too.

  • J. - Well then, who do you want to live with?

  • LG - I want to live with the Indian Cricket team, they never beat anybody!!!!

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p34u

Posts: 15 Member Since:09/29/09

#14 [url]

Oct 6 09 12:12 PM


A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured that if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.

To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

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jssw82

Posts: 11 Member Since:10/07/09

#15 [url]

Oct 15 09 10:01 AM

India v/s Pakistan..
At the start of the Indian innings(280 required for a win),
Ganguly to Ramesh "I am not comfortable with Akhtar`s pace. So I
will attack Akram and u take care of Akhtar."
After 4 overs(with hardly any runs on the board),
Ramesh to Ganguly "These guys are bowling very fast. We will see
them off and then attack Mahmood and Saqlain."
After 13 overs(when Azhar Mahmood and Saqlain were bowling),
Ganguly to Dravid "I don`t think we can score off these guys as
well. We will wait for Arshad Khan and Shahid Afridi. Surely we can easily
attack them. After all, Shahid Afridi is a part-time bowler."
After Afridi bowled some overs,
Dravid to Robin Singh "Don`t worry, Robin. I heard that England
bowlers are easier to score off. We will play out 50 overs and attack in the
next match."
At the end of the match,
Joshi to Mongia "Why didn`t u try to force the pace?"
Mongia to Joshi "No, yaar. If I try to force the pace against these
bowlers, I will get out. There is only one way by which I can score runs fastly without getting out."
Joshi to Mongia "What is it?"
Mongia to Joshi " You have to bowl to me."

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jssw82

Posts: 11 Member Since:10/07/09

#16 [url]

Oct 15 09 10:03 AM

Next year IPL to b...
Next year IPL to b played in PAK. Facilities offered by Pak Govt
1. Security by Al-Quieda & Taliban
2. Cheer Gals Dance in closed rooms with no cameras
3. Bomb blast after every Sixer.

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jssw82

Posts: 11 Member Since:10/07/09

#17 [url]

Oct 15 09 10:09 AM

A Husband makes a call to the Hospital to know about his pregnant Wife.
But accidentally the call went to a Cricket stadium.

He asked ” What is the condition?”
He fainted after What he heard….
cricket.jpg
Guess What the reply was??
It is…
7 are already out…
3 more will be out by Lunch…
and…
The First one was a DUCK…

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p34u

Posts: 15 Member Since:09/29/09

#18 [url]

Oct 20 09 11:48 AM

A guy named Joe receives a free ticket to the SuperBowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Joe arrives at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium, he's closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Joe sees through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yardline.
He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, Joe asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"
The man says "No."
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Joe again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?!"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first SuperBowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967."
"Well, that's really sad," said Joe, "but still, you couldn't find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?" "No," the man replies, "They're all at the funeral."

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p34u

Posts: 15 Member Since:09/29/09

#19 [url]

Oct 20 09 11:49 AM

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat that was 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.



As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1965." Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? Was it a relative or close friend?" No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."

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rfv12

Posts: 30 Member Since:10/07/09

#20 [url]

Oct 27 09 12:35 PM

Billy and Joe were huge baseball fans.
One day, both Billy and Joe made a pact that if either of them were to die; they had to come back to the other in the form of a ghost to let the other know if baseball was played in heaven.
Sure enough, Billy dies and eventually comes to Joe one night in the form of a ghost.
A startled Joe realizes it is the ghost of his deceased friend and says "Billy, it is so good to see you...so tell me, is there baseball in Heaven?".
"Well", Billy says, "I have some good news and bad news for ya.
First the good news...YES, there is baseball in heaven!".
"Thank God!" Joe shouts...
"What is the bad news?!".
"You're pitching tomorrow."

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