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qsc432

Posts: 18 Member Since: 10/07/09

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Oct 12 09 1:08 PM

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1.An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”


Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?”


The woman replied, “They help me sleep better.”


The doctor considered this for a second, and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?”


The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”


2."Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city. The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."

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qsc432

Posts: 18 Member Since:10/07/09

#1 [url]

Oct 12 09 1:09 PM

One day, Satan was out for a walk through Hell, making sure things were running smoothly. When he got to the Lake of Fire, he saw a man sitting by the lake, relaxing in a lawn chair, and not sweating or looking uncomfortable at all. Perplexed, Satan approached the man and asked:

"Young man, are you not hot or bothered by this heat?" The man replied, "Oh no, not at all. I lived in downtown Toronto and this weather is just like a typical July day in the city." Satan thought that this was not a good sign, so he rushed back to his office and turned up the heat in Hell another 100 degrees. Satisfied with himself, he again returned to the Lake of Fire to check on the young man.

When he got there, the man was showing a few beads of sweat, but that was all. Again Satan asked the Torontonian, "Are you hot and uncomfortable yet?" The young man looked up and said, "No, the temperature is just like a hot August day in Toronto. I'm coping it just fine."

Satan decided that he had to do something drastic to make this man's stay in Hell unpleasant. He went back to his office, turned the heat all the way down, and then turned up the air conditioning. The temperature in Hell quickly dropped well below zero. As he approached the Lake of Fire, he noticed that it was now frozen over. He also saw the Torontonian jumping up and down wildly, waving his arms and yelling into the air.

"This looks promising!" thought Satan. Coming closer, he finally made out what the man was shouting: "The Leafs have won the Stanley Cup! The Leafs have won the Stanley Cup!"

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qsc432

Posts: 18 Member Since:10/07/09

#2 [url]

Oct 12 09 1:10 PM

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made
a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete. So .. she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay away from Aunt Marge when she's been drinking."

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qsc432

Posts: 18 Member Since:10/07/09

#3 [url]

Oct 12 09 1:12 PM

In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces, "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The Doctor quickly responded, "$5000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used."

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qsc432

Posts: 18 Member Since:10/07/09

#4 [url]

Oct 12 09 1:16 PM

1.Two cops were parked on the side of a busy highway waiting to nab individuals throwing litter out their car windows. One car drove by and threw out some garbage but the traffic was too thick to allow the cops an opportunity to pull out and haul the car over.

Another car drove by and it too tossed some garbage. Just as before, the traffic was too busy. Vehicles proceeded to pass by throwing garbage until finally the cops had an opening to pull over a car which had a guy and a girl in it. The police had the man back up to retrieve garbage, which turned out to be a used condom. One of the cops said, "You know there are huge fines for littering on this highway". To which the motorist replied with a satisfied look on his face, "that's not litter, it orgasmic material!"

2.  An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

3.An accountant dies and goes to heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name. After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, "I'm sorry I wasn't here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself."

The accountant is perplexed. "I've tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome," he tells St. Peter. "It's the least we can do for someone as special as you are.
Imagine, living to the age of 160 and still looking so young," says St. Peter. The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, "160? I don't know what you mean. I'm only 40."

St. Peter replies, "But that can't be right - we've seen your time sheets!"


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jssw82

Posts: 11 Member Since:10/07/09

#5 [url]

Oct 15 09 10:00 AM

How do you stop a Pakistani tank ?
>Shoot the men who are pushing it.
How do you disable Pakistani missiles ?
>Cut the rubber band.
Have you ever seen Pakistani war heroes ?
>Neither has Pakistan.
Did you hear about the other latest Pakistani invention ?
>The new automatic parachutes. They open on impact.
How do you sink a Pakistani battleship?
>Put it in water.
Did you hear about the 747 jet which Crashed into a cemetery in Karachi ?
>The Pakistani officials have so far recovered 3000 bodies.
Did you hear about the Pakistani admiral who had asked to be buried at sea?
>Five Pakistani sailors died digging his grave.
Did you hear about the shutdown of the Karachi National Library ?
>Somebody stole the book.
You're locked in a room with Saddam Hussein, Adolf Hitler, and a Pakistani. You have a gun with ONLY two bullets.What do you do?
>Shoot the Pakistani twice to make sure he's dead.
What's brown and black and looks great on a Pakistani?
>A Doberman.
How can you tell when a Pakistani is lying?
>His lips are moving.
What do you have when a Pakistani is buried up to his neck in sand?
>Not enough sand.
Did you Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of Pakistanis?
>He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

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jssw82

Posts: 11 Member Since:10/07/09

#6 [url]

Oct 15 09 10:00 AM

A small plane is flying with an american pilot and has three passengers - Atal Bihari, a Paki and a schoolboy with his backpack.
Mid way the plane catches fire and the american says -" Hello, this is ur captain speaking, the plane is on fire. Don't panic because there is good news and bad news. Good news is that there are parachutes but the bad news is that there are only three and iam taking one" so he picks up a parachute and he jumps.
Paki says to ABV and the schoolboy- " I need to bring the joy of jihad to this infidel world. And iam taking this one." so he picks and jumps.
ABV says to the schoolboy - " Allright son, I am old and I did the service for my motherland. U r young and have pletny of life ahead. So why don't u take the other parachute and jump?"
Schoolboy says: " Don't worry Atalji, we still have 2 parachutes. That Paki grabbed my backpack and jumped off."
***
In order to develop friendly relationship between the two countries, Vajpayee and Parwez Musharraf decided to visit each other`s country regularly. The first visit was by Vajpayee to Pakistan. Musharraf showed him Pakistan`s modern Tele-communication system. It was so good that Vajpayee made a call to an old friend in hell and talked to him for 5 minutes! The bill for the call came to only 5 Rupees. When Vajpayee returned, he too wanted India`s Tele-communication systems to be at their best when Musharraf visited India. Suitable arrangements were made for the same. Musharraf came to India, visited the telecom department and then spoke with an old friend in hell for 5 minutes. However, this time, the bill was 500 Rupees! Musharraf asked with a sarcastic smile, "Why are telephone calls to hell so costly in India?" A High level diplomat gave a cool reply, "From Pakistan to hell, it is a local call, Sir, while from India it is long distance!"

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jssw82

Posts: 11 Member Since:10/07/09

#7 [url]

Oct 15 09 10:00 AM

So once three scientists american, japanese, and pakistani are discussing their nation's scientific capability, and the american says, "In our country there was this boy who lost his legs in an accident, and we put artificial ones, and today u know hes an olympic gold medalist!" so the japnese laughs and says, "This is nothing.in our nation there was this boy who lost his hands and legs in accident and we put artifical ones, and today u know, hes karate champion!" so the paki laughs and says, "These are nothing, in our nation there was this boy who had no brains, and so we put a coconut in his head, and today u know......hes the 'Military rule of pakistan!"
***
There's an Indian cricket fan, a Pakistani cricket fan and a beautiful woman sitting next to each other on a train. The train goes through a tunnel and everything gets dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!! The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and the Indian fan are sitting there looking perplexed. The Pakistani fan is bent over holding his which is red from an apparent slap. The Pakistani fan is thinking "Oh God, that Indian must have tried to kiss this lady, she though it was me and slapped me." The lady is thinking, " That Pakistani fan must have moved to kiss me and kissed the Indian fan instead and got slapped." The Indian fan was thinking to himself...."If the train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Pakistani again."

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jssw82

Posts: 11 Member Since:10/07/09

#8 [url]

Oct 15 09 10:00 AM

Scene: trench warfare on Pakistan border, Sikh regiment on one side, suddenly Kartar Singh gets a bright idea, shouts! "Oye Abdul!" Guy pops up from other trench "Kya hai be" BANG shot dead!
"Oye Karim" 2 guys stand up, "Kya hai saala" BANG BANG both khalaas.
"Oye Mustafa!" 2 more, BANG-BANG! dono saale khalaas!
Pakis get worried, they think saala Sardarji log, when did they get so smart? Decide to try it themselves.
"Abe Gurdev Singh".... silence.
"Oye Gurdev Singh!!".... silence.
"O bhai, Gurdev Singh!"
"Oye Gurdev Singh ko kaun bula raha hai re?"
Paki gets up, "Mein" BANG!
***
Three women - a Hindu from India, a Pakistani and an Afghani (obviously Muslims)- all gave birth to seven-pound baby boys at the same time. The nurses got the babies mixed up somehow and couldn't tell which baby belonged to which mother. After an hour of mass confusion the father of the Hindu baby decided he'd settle the problem. He walked into the nursery and lined up the three infants in a row, and raised the war cry "Har har Mahadev." The Hindu baby snapped to attention, the Pakistani baby @#%$ , and the Afghani baby played in it.
***
A white man walks into a pub in Oldham, totally shattered, screaming “All Muslims are sh*theads". A man sitting in the corner shouts, “I take serious offense to that ! It's a bl**dy lie !” The white guy asks, “Why? Are you a Muslim?” He replies proudly, “No. I'm a sh*thead.”

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jssw82

Posts: 11 Member Since:10/07/09

#9 [url]

Oct 15 09 10:05 AM

PAKISTANIS ON MOON

3 scientists happen to meet each other by chance at a party, an American, a Russian, and a Pakistani. They boast their country's science achievements. The Russian says: We were the 1st ones in space, the American says, we were the 1st to go to moon, The Pakistani thinks hard and says: we will be 1st ones on the sun! Both the American and Russian start laughing, and say to the Pakistani, you stupid the sun is too hot, your spaceship will burn b4 it reaches the sun. The Pakistan scientist remains cool and calm, and says: You are stupid. We will go there at night!!!

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jssw82

Posts: 11 Member Since:10/07/09

#10 [url]

Oct 15 09 10:05 AM

CLEVER

Teacher : Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?
Pupil: Moon...
Teacher : Why?
Pupil : The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it. 


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jssw82

Posts: 11 Member Since:10/07/09

#11 [url]

Oct 15 09 10:07 AM

The Kiss..
In one compartment of a Pakistan train there are four people.
A beautiful vivacious young woman, an old matronly woman, Nawaz Sharif, and General Pervez Musharraf.
Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel.
It is completely dark. Then is heard a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap.
When the train exits the tunnel, Musharraf is holding the side of his face, and Sharif is grinning his face off.
The old matronly woman thinks : "Now that's a fine young woman, Musharraf tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one!"
The young woman is thinking : "Now that's a strange General we have, he'd rather kiss that old hag than me."
Musharraf is thinking : "Now that's smart work by Sharif, he steals the kiss and I get slapped."
And Nawaz Sharif is thinking : "Gee I'm smart! We go through the tunnel, I kiss my hand and get away with slapping Musharraf."

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jssw82

Posts: 11 Member Since:10/07/09

#12 [url]

Oct 15 09 10:08 AM

Hell..
In order to develop friendly relationship between the two countries,
Musharraf and Manmohan Singh decided to visit each other's country regularly.
The first visit was by Singh to Pakistan. There Musharraf showed him
Pakistan's modern telecommunication systems. It was so good that Singh made
a call to hell and talked for 5 minutes ! The bill for the call came to only Re.1.
When Singh came back, he also wanted India's telecommunication systems
to be at the best when Musharraf visited India.
Suitable arrangements were made. Musharraf came to India,
visited the telecom department and talked called hell for 5
minutes. But this time, the bill was Rs. 500! Sharif asked with a sarcastic
smile - "Why are telephone calls to hell so costly in India ?" A High level
diplomat gave a disappointing smiling reply - "From Pakistan to hell, it is a local call,
Sir, while from India it is long distance!".
Hell..
One evening, a young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."

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p34u

Posts: 15 Member Since:09/29/09

#13 [url]

Oct 20 09 11:46 AM

Funny Inheritance Joke


The Old Perfesser (TM, dammit!) poses the following problem to one of
his classes:
“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go
to his daughter, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his
brother, and the rest to his wife. Now, what does each get?”
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Pauly raises his
hand and says, “A lawyer?”

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p34u

Posts: 15 Member Since:09/29/09

#14 [url]

Oct 20 09 11:46 AM

Horse in the House Joke



Joe was trying to lead a horse in the street, but was having much trouble getting the horse’s cooperation. A passerby stopped and asked if he could help. Joe was grateful and gladly accepted.


After much pushing and shoving, they finally got the horse to the front door of Joe’s department. Joe indicated that the horse was to go through the door. More pushing and shoving.


Once inside, Joe and the passerby managed to work the horse up the steps and into Joe’s apartment on the third floor, then through the living room and into the bathtub.


Wiping the sweat from his brow, the good samaritan said, “I don’t want to be nosy, but this is most unusual…”


Joe said, “When my wife comes home, she’ll look in the bathroom and say, ‘There’s a horse in there!’ “


“Hey, how many times in a man’s life will they ever get the chance to tell their wife, ‘I know! I know!’?”

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p34u

Posts: 15 Member Since:09/29/09

#15 [url]

Oct 20 09 11:47 AM

Dog Joke

Why it’s nice to be a dog…


No one expects you to take a bath every day.


Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner, or anything else for that matter.


When it’s raining, you can lie around the house all day and never worry about being fired.


If it itches, you can reach it.


And, no matter what itches, no one is offended if you scratch it in
public.


You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks you’re insensitive.


If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.


You never get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger’s lap


Having big feet is considered an asset.


If you gain weight, it’s someone else’s fault.


No one tells you to wipe your nose because it’s wet.


No matter where you live, you own the place.


Your mate never complains because you whine.


Puppy love can last.

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thala1

Posts: 17 Member Since:09/29/09

#16 [url]

Oct 20 09 11:53 AM

The State Mental Hospital


MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU


Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.
(Well, my job is done …..Your turn!)

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thala1

Posts: 17 Member Since:09/29/09

#17 [url]

Oct 20 09 12:03 PM

FUNNY SHIRTS
Shirts must have too much room, look what people have written on them...

Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound as they go flying by.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

I Haven't Lost My Mind. It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE; 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You become Santa Claus. 4) You start to look like Santa Claus.

Some days you are the pigeon. Some days you are the statue.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

The money is always greener in the other guy’s wallet.

If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?

Too many freaks. Not enough circuses.

She Who MUST be obeyed

Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work is done here.

I thought I wanted a career. It turns out I just wanted a pay check.

When money talks, no one criticizes its accent.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

My reality check bounced.

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thala1

Posts: 17 Member Since:09/29/09

#18 [url]

Oct 20 09 12:03 PM

I love my cat. My cat does not care.

If At First You Don't Succeed...Blame Someone Else And Seek Counselling.

My bank account needs month-to-month resuscitation.

You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe in chocolate.

Only in America, could a letter offering a million dollar prize be considered junk mail.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the Ark. Professionals, on the other hand, built the Titanic.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

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thala1

Posts: 17 Member Since:09/29/09

#19 [url]

Oct 20 09 12:03 PM

Don't worry about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.

A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

What if the Hokey Pokey is really what it’s all about?

Think nobody knows you're alive? Try missing a payment.

Does it scare you that you are looking for wisdom from a T-shirt?

And your cry baby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning. Nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

No one pays attention until you make a mistake.

Jesus loves you, but I think you’re a jerk.

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thala1

Posts: 17 Member Since:09/29/09

#20 [url]

Oct 20 09 12:04 PM

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.

Stamp Out Crime. Abolish the IRS.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

What am I? Fly paper for freaks?

I'm not rude. You're just insignificant.

If I save time, when do I get it back?

A.S.A.P. means Always Say A Prayer.

Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him sleep.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

I may be fat, but you are ugly and I can lose weight.

I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.

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