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Posts: 17 Member Since:09/29/09

#21 [url]

Oct 20 09 12:04 PM

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

If the left side of the brain controls the right hand, then only left-handed people are in their right mind.

Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Money Isn't Everything...But It Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch.

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

Are you sure I’m (age)? I want a recount!

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Born free. Taxed to death.

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Posts: 17 Member Since:09/29/09

#22 [url]

Oct 20 09 12:04 PM

If “pro” is the opposite of “con,” is progress the opposite of congress?

All Men Are Animals. Some Just Make Better Pets.

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

Enjoy Life! Eat Out More Often.

I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?

Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.

The 11th commandment: Thou Shalt NOT Whine!

Work Harder. People on Welfare Depend on You.

Princess, having sufficient experience with Princes, seeks frog.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will live forever.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Life is too short. Don't be a jerk.

Ignore the dog. Watch out for the owner.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Don’t treat me any differently than you would the Queen.

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Posts: 17 Member Since:09/29/09

#23 [url]

Oct 20 09 12:04 PM

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation... I wonder if that means...?

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

Women have PMS. Men have ESPN.

Friends are the chocolate chips in the cookies of life.

Coffee. Chocolate. Men. Some things are better rich.

Who do you want to talk to: 1) the man is charge or 2) the woman who really knows what’s going on?

If life is like a bowl of cherries, then I’m living in the pits!

Barney sucks.

Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

If they don’t have chocolate in heaven, I’m not going.

If you scratch your rear, don’t bite your fingernails.

Eating prunes gives you a good run for your money.

If you live in a glass house, you should change clothes in basement.

Fart in church, and you’ll sit in own pew.

Germs attack people where they are weakest. This explains the number of head colds.

It’s not just the ups and downs that make life difficult. It’s the jerks.

I don’t know what I want, but I do know I don’t have it.

People who give back their ill-gotten gains are reformed crocks. People who keep most of the loot and only give back a little are philanthropists.

Once you’ve climbed the ladder of success, you’re over the hill.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

There will always be death and taxes. However, death doesn't get worse every year.

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Posts: 17 Member Since:09/29/09

#24 [url]

Oct 20 09 12:05 PM

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it limits.

Two wrongs do not make a right ... but three lefts do.

Talk is cheap, because supply exceeds demand.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people just don't have film.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Go ahead and take risks. Just be sure that everything will turn out OK. .

STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of the dog, it’s too dark to read.

I can see your point, but I still think you are full of crap.

I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

I'll try being nicer if you will try being smarter.

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

The screw up fairy has visited us again.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a care.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

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Posts: 17 Member Since:09/29/09

#25 [url]

Oct 20 09 12:05 PM

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Can I trade my job for what's behind door #1?

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Chaos, panic and disorder - my work is done here.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck.

When in doubt, tell the truth. (Mark Twain)

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

To err is human. To forgive is not company policy.

Constant change is here to stay.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Don’t be old until you have lived!

Don't let the past hold you back. You're missing today’s good stuff.

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's acorn that held its ground.

Enthusiasm is contagious. Start an epidemic!

Education is expensive, but ignorance is more so.

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Posts: 25 Member Since:10/10/09

#26 [url]

Oct 30 09 11:39 PM

Doggone Brilliant Joke

Smart enough to be a real salesman

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says..................

"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

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Posts: 25 Member Since:10/10/09

#27 [url]

Oct 30 09 11:41 PM

Bedside Manners

Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"

"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.

"I think you're bad luck."

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Posts: 25 Member Since:10/19/09

#28 [url]

Oct 31 09 8:12 AM

The Driving Test

Good Clean Jokes A professional juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
"What are you doing with these matches and lighter fluid in your car?" asks the police officer.
"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."
"Oh yeah? Let's see you do it," says the officer.
So the juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches
A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his
wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

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Posts: 25 Member Since:10/19/09

#29 [url]

Oct 31 09 8:14 AM

Ticket Training Joke

Related Image Three Southerners and three Yankees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Yankees each buy a train ticket and watch as the three Southerners buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Yankee.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Southerners.
They all board the train. The Yankees take their respective seats but all three Southerners cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Yankees see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Yankees decide to copy the Southerners on the return trip and save some money (being tight with money, and all that).
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Southerners don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Yankee.
"Watch and you'll see," answers a Southerner.
When they board the train, the three Yankees cram into a restroom and the three Southerners cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the Southerners leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Yankees are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."

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Posts: 25 Member Since:10/10/09

#30 [url]

Oct 31 09 8:26 AM

Captains last flight 

An elderly Captain was on his last trip, and one of the girls took a fancy to him. One thing led to another and  

they ended up in bed together. After they'd done the deed, she was amazed. She said it was the most wonderful  

experience she'd ever had, nothing before had even come close. 

The girl asked the captain "Do you think you could do it again?" 

"OK", he said, "But I need a bit of recovery time. I'll have a 15 minute sleep while you hold on to my willy. When I wake up we'll do it again." 

So she did and they did. It was even better than the first time. "My God", she sighed, "That was incredible. You'll think I'm insatiable but honestly I've never felt anything like it. Please, can we do it again?" 

"I'm happy if you're happy", he replied, "But this time I'll need a bit longer. I'll have a hour's sleep while you hold on to my willy. When I wake up we'll do it again." 

So she did and again, they did. The girl was in raptures. The first two times had been incredible, the third time - she couldn't find words to describe it. Breathlessly she murmured, "Darling, I know we've done it three times but I also know this is your last flight and I'll probably never see you again. I don't care what you think of me but I just have to ask - Can we do it again one last time?" 

"It's a bit much to ask", he replied, "but it is my last flight and I think we both deserve it. I'll tell you what. It's an 8 o'clock call tomorrow morning and it's midnight at the moment. If we go to sleep now we can wake up at 6, have one more delightful experience, then you can get back to your room before anyone else is about. That way, I'll have 6 hour's sleep while you hold on to my willy. When I wake up we'll do it again." 

So she did, and six hours later they woke up for the final rapturous encounter, which put the previous three into the shade. She was just about to leave when she said, "Darling, I have to ask. Why did you want me to hold your willy while you were asleep? Does it turn you on?" 

"Oh no," he said, "It's just that last time this happened to me, my wallet got stolen."

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Posts: 10 Member Since:11/25/09

#31 [url]

Nov 25 09 8:23 AM

Sunday School Lesson

Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me Janice, who created the universe?" When Janice didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good" and Janice fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Janice, "Who is our Lord and Saviour." But, Janice didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
"Jesus Christ!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good," and Janice fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time Janice jumped up and shouted, "If you stick me with that thing one more time, I'll break it in half and stick it up your ass!"
... the teacher fainted!

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Posts: 15 Member Since:11/25/09

#32 [url]

Nov 26 09 3:03 AM

Impossible to Please
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

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Posts: 15 Member Since:11/25/09

#33 [url]

Nov 26 09 3:06 AM

Ant jokes 01

Where do ants go for their holidays?

What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant!

What do you get if you cross some ants with some tics?
All sorts of antics!

What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater!

Why did the elephant put his trunk across the path?
To trip up the ants!

What is even bigger than an elephant?
A giant!

What do you call an ant in space?
Cosmonants & Astronants!

What do you call an ant from overseas?

What medicine would you give an ill ant?

What is smaller than an ant's dinner?
An ant's mouth!

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Posts: 15 Member Since:11/25/09

#34 [url]

Nov 26 09 3:07 AM

Bear jokes 01

Q: What kind of money to polo bears use?
A: Ice lolly!

Q: Have you ever hunted bear?
A: No, but I've been shooting in my shorts!

Q: How do you start a teddy bear race?
A: Ready, teddy, go!

Q: What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
A: A bear faced lyre!

Q: Why do bears have fur coats?
A: Because they'd look stupid in anoraks!

Q: What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A: A teddy boar!

Q: What should you call a bald teddy?
A: Fred bear!

Q: What animal do you look like when you get into the bath?
A: A little bear!

Q: What's yellow, comes from Peru, and is completely unknown?
A: Waterloo Bear, Paddington Bear's forgotten cousin!

Q: What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
A: Winnie the Pooh!

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Posts: 15 Member Since:11/25/09

#35 [url]

Nov 26 09 3:07 AM

Bird jokes 01

Q: Why did the owl, owl?
A: Because the woodpecker would peck 'er!

Q: What is a polygon?
A: A dead parrot!

Q: What flies through the jungle singing opera?
A: The parrots of Penzance!

Q: What do you get if you cross a duck with a firework?
A: A firequaker!

Q: What is a parrot's favorite game?
A: Hide and Speak!

Q: Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?
A: Because she wanted to be a Polly unsaturated!

Q: What did the gamekeeper say to the lord of the manor?
A: 'The pheasants are revolting'!

Q: What is the definition of Robin?
A: A bird who steals!

Q: When is the best time to buy budgies?
A: When they're going cheap!

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Posts: 15 Member Since:11/25/09

#36 [url]

Nov 26 09 3:08 AM

Cat jokes 01

Q: How do you know if you cat's got a bad cold?
A: He has cat-arrh!

Q: What is cleverer than a talking cat?
A: A spelling bee!

Q: How do you know that cats are sensitive creatures?
A: They never cry over spilt milk!

Q: What do you get if you cross a cat and a gorilla?
A: An animal that puts you out a night!

Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangeroo?
A: A stripey jumper!

Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar?
A: A sourpuss!

Q: How are tigers like sergeants in the army?
A: They both wear stripes!

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Posts: 15 Member Since:11/25/09

#37 [url]

Nov 26 09 3:08 AM

Caterpillar jokes

What does a caterpillar do on New Years Day?
Turns over a new leaf!

What is the definition of a caterpillar?
A worm in a fur coat!

What has stripes and pulls a tractor?
A caterpillar tractor!

What does a cat go to sleep on?
A caterpillow!

What's green and dangerous?
A caterpillar with a machine gun!

What pillar doesn't need holding up?
A caterpillar!

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Posts: 15 Member Since:11/25/09

#38 [url]

Nov 26 09 3:09 AM

Chicken jokes 01

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Because chickens hadn't evolved yet Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A: To get to the shell station Q: Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
A: Because it was stuck to the chicken!

Q: Why did the horse cross the road?
A: Because the chicken needed a day off Q: Why did the cow cross the road?
A: To get to the udder side!

Q: Why did the chicken end up in the soup?
A: Because it ran out of cluck!

Q: What happened when the chicken ate cement?
A: She laid a sidewalk!

Q: What did the chicken do when he saw a bucket of fried chicken?
A: She kicked the bucket!

Q: What do you call a crazy chicken?
A: A cuckoo cluck!

Q: What happened to the chicken whose feathers were all pointing the wrong way?
A: She was tickled to death!

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Posts: 15 Member Since:11/25/09

#39 [url]

Nov 26 09 3:09 AM

Dog jokes 01

Q: Why do dogs bury bones in the ground?
A: Because you can't bury them in trees!

Q: Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?
A: He was trying to make both ends meet!

Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?
A: A collie-flower!

Q: Why do dogs wag their tails?
A: "Because no one else will do it for them!"

Q: Why didn't the dog speak to his foot?
A: Because it's not polite to talk back to your paw!

Q: What is the dogs favorite city?
A: New Yorkie!

Q: Who is the dogs favorite comedian?
A: Growlcho Marx!

Q: What did the cowboy say when the bear ate Lassie?
A: "Well, doggone!"

Q: What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?
A: He stole the show!

Q: How can if you have a stupid dog?
A: It chases parked cars!

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Posts: 15 Member Since:11/25/09

#40 [url]

Nov 26 09 3:10 AM

Elephant jokes 01

What time is it when an elephant sits on the fence?
Time to fix the fence!

What's grey, stands in a river when it rains and doesn't get wet?
An elephant with an umbrella!

What' s grey with red spots?
An elephant with the measles!

Why does an elephant wear sneakers?
So that he can sneak up on mice!

What's big and grey and wears a mask?
The elephantom of the opera!

What's grey and moves at a hundred miles an hour?
A jet propelled elephant!

Why did the elephant cross the road?
Because the chicken was having a day off!

What do you call an elephant at the North Pole?

Why were the elephants thrown out of the swimming pool?
Because they couldn't hold their trunks up!

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